


armor, not shackles

by cougarlips



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Drowning, Hurt, I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE I TAG EVERYTHING SO I HAVE ALL MY BASES COVERED, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Third Person, Past Character Death, originally written after 2x12 aired but before 2x15, post 2x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 10:25:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12679995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cougarlips/pseuds/cougarlips
Summary: The only person he had no message from was the one who probably would have been the first to contact him had the situation been different, but Magnus didn’t want to be around Alec, and Alec... well, Alec knew it.





	armor, not shackles

**Author's Note:**

> s/o to the billboards at my local shops for the gr8 quotes and positive affirmations for today's fic title: "wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles"
> 
> anyways i wrote this after 212 but before 215 and we found out what exactly _happened_ to magnus's mother and his past, so i took some liberties and referenced the books. and by that i mean, i referenced wikipedia. 
> 
> this **does** reference suicide and ragnor's canon death, as well as drowning, torture, child abuse, and murder of a parental figure.

His body was not his own.

His skin itched, his magic felt dirty, his limbs sagged with exhaustion, but he couldn’t find the energy or the will to change out of his clothes or shower. His phone sat beside him, chiming every so often with a message from Raphael, from Luke, from Cat and Dot, from Jace and Izzy -- and God, he nearly wanted to laugh at the message from Jace, because frankly the idea that  _he_  would be so concerned with Magnus’s well being seemed _too_ far-fetched. 

The only person he had no message from was the one who probably would have been the first  _to_  contact him had the situation been different, but Magnus didn’t want to be around Alec, and Alec... well, Alec knew it. It pained Magnus to think it, but whether Alec was aware of his hand in it or not (and he was, oh god, he  _was_ ; he knew exactly his role in it all) he still threw Magnus around, bound him, gagged him, nearly allowed Imogen to kill him.

He fell into a fitful sleep but should have known he wouldn’t be blessed with dreamless rest. Instead he dreamt of his mother: her face, her smile, her hands, her body, graying and heavy, swinging from the rafters, her mouth sagging open, his father trying to cut her loose-- he dreamt of his father (or, rather,  _step_  father): binding Magnus’s limbs together, forcing his head underwater, the sensation of it filling his lungs and then fire burning, bright and unparalleled, scorching and flesh burning--

He forced his eyes open, forced himself to stay awake, forced himself to think of anything else as he sat up in bed, but when his mind finally left his past it then fell on Ragnor, his best friend, his oldest friend, bleeding out in his arms, finding death a release after such an unnecessarily long life--

It was the sound of glass clinking outside his bedroom door that reminded him that though Alec knew he needed to give Magnus space, he still needed to see with his own eyes that Magnus was back, that he was himself, that he was as okay as the situation would allow.

It was the fact that Magnus  _knew_  Alec would want to do right by him that brought him to his feet, and when he stood in his doorway to find Alec cleaning the mess left behind by Magnus’s and Valentine’s scuffle it hurt Magnus’s heart.

It hurt him because he knew Alec never meant to truly hurt Magnus. It hurt him because he knew how guilty Alec felt for having the role he did. It hurt because Magnus knew Alec wanted to give Magnus space, but he was so inherently kind and caring in nature he couldn’t just leave him alone, couldn’t leave him to pick up the pieces by himself.

Magnus sat down and Alec watched him make his way through the space, and slowly, slowly, he stood up.

“Magnus,” he began. “I am  _so_  sorry.” And Magnus could tell Alec knew the words rang flimsy between them. “I’m so sorry for everything you had to go through.”  _For everything I_  put _you through_ , the words came with, clear but unsaid.

And Magnus shut his eyes, but the moment he did his mother flashed before them again, and he couldn’t tolerate it.

“That agony rune....” he said, and his voice sounded broken even to himself. He could only imagine how it would sound to Alec. “It made me relive memories I’ve spent...  _centuries_... trying to forget.”

He didn’t look up. He couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to see the look that no doubt rested on Alec’s face -- pained, tortured, because the last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt the people he cared about, and that’s exactly the very thing he did to Magnus.

He felt the couch next to him dip, and Alec’s voice came through the silence, pleading, “Tell me how to fix this. Just... tell me what to do, please....”

Magnus didn’t know what to tell him.

**Author's Note:**

> in other news im on tumblr as user [@battlemagnus](https://battlemagnus.tumblr.com) and i love my gay son alec lightwood and his bisexual boyfriend magnus bane


End file.
